If not for gaming and a larger screen, i would change over to a mac based computer. The various problems that windows has been giving me of late is starting to piss me off. First, an incompatibility with document files created by mac office, and then a fuckup with the mouse driver which had me trying to get to razer’s site with a small assed mouse that was meant for my ibook.

And then I get this thing where I was unable to receive any calls on my hp for a while due to some unknown reason despite my phone being right beside me all the time. It’s as if my room were a fucking bomb shelter or something. Shouldn’t people in bomb shelters be allowed to call out anyway?

seriously? what the fuck?

NT social.

Over dinner today, my parents asked how come I haven’t been messaging my JC friends to ask them how they are doing, and just to keep in touch with one another. Apparently they seem to be having the impression that the older I get, the more antisocial I’ve become and that I’m having a less than complete life without any friends around me to share the good times.

This brought to mind several things. Firstly, it is indeed true that I’ve become anti-social over the past 2 years or so. This is mainly circumstantial. A combination of factors, including the fact that I took on many more responsibilities have made it difficult to balance a large number friends (not that I have LOTS. it’s just a perception) while being stable in other aspects of my life as well. This is compounded with the fact that I suddenly woke up one day and realised that there’s just too many things going on and I have to keep Life in rein or get sucked into the whirlpool of madness.

Secondly, it just came to my realisation that not all my friends are ‘true friends’. Don’t ask me what a true friend is. I don’t know and I ain’t interested in discussing it here. I guess everyone has their own criteria, and I have mine too. I just don’t know what that is right now but I’ll probably have to think about that soon. As a friend, I always prided myself on being attentive and loyal, but I don’t know how many people actually appreciate it. I hate to be saying things like that, but in my ‘i-hate-people’ mood that I am generally in these days, I can’t help but feel that not all friends have equal status in my life. Sad but true. We all gotta admit it sooner or later. This is a fucked up world and you can’t just go around showing care for everyone. I wish I could, but I’m not a saint. Right now I feel that I might actually have trouble even taking care of my own affairs.

So, that being said, I’m going to resist all parental and societal pressure and do the whole social niceties shit. Those who know me better know that I don’t give a fuck about it either, deep inside. I just give the impression that I do. So let’s put it this way : if I think that a friend means enough to me, I’ll contact that person and try to catch up. If not, I’ll probably not bother until the day where I realise that that friend is indeed important. Maybe by then it would have been too late, but it’s a decision that I have to stand by, and therefore a result that I have to expect. Maybe one day I’ll get back to the ‘my friends mean a lot to me’ phase again, but I’m not sure when the wheel will ever turn to that again.

Yeah, I have issues, but these issues are really a part of who I am – a walking contradiction, a person who doesn’t know what he wants. Perhaps the solution to happiness is the most selfish of them all – do whatever the hell you like. And don’t let anyone tell you what you should do.

I’m writing this in a fit of boredom. It’s a nice night to be out drinking or having supper. But somehow I just feel a certain numbness to all feeling after writing this.

Of taxicabs and driver rants

Was in a cab on the way home from Stella’s place and chatting to the driver who was talking about politics and shit. Well actually he was more of talking to me with me giving “yah lor” and “uhhuh yeah” while trying to message the girlfriend at the same time. Funny how the most politically aware are those who walk and work the streets. Well techinically because they are probably the ones directly affected by any policies that come into play. Puts me to shame sometimes that although I know enough about current affairs to not be considered ignorant, I don’t bother to actually have feelings about what is going on in my own country. In that sense, I do respect those who bother to think critically and question what is going on around us on a day to day basis. I ought to be doing that more.

a lot of work tonight

damnit. why does it always come down to the last minute rush to meet the deadlines for thesis discussion? I hate this shit. I’ve got a ton of shit on my mind and it’s really hard to just sit down and write the most difficult part of the paper.

Sigh.